We have been house hunting for about two months now and I have learned much about myself (and it hasn’t been pretty). First, I’ve learned that I am a house snob. Second, I’ve learned that I have a visceral reaction to wood anywhere but on the floor. Third, I’ve learned I don’t do well with too many options. Fourth, I’ve learned that I am conflicted on what I want my future path in life to be. And lastly, I’ve uncovered this erroneous belief that if I could just find the perfect house than maybe I could be a perfect mother.
(We have looked at this home a couple of times….)
For so long, I have blamed my inadequacies and frustrations in motherhood on my small home and its location. As I have been looking for a new house, I think…
If I could find the house with the big mud room, then I could train my kids to always hang up their back packs and their “afterschool mess” would be contained to one room.
If I could find the house with space for a kid craft area off or near the kitchen, then my kids would watch less TV and they would all craft and color and create more.
If I could find the house with the beautiful, big kitchen, then I would want to cook nice healthy meals and dishes would be fun to do.
If I could find a house with more bedrooms, then each kid could have his/her own space and bedtime would be easier. There would also be less fighting and less mess.
If I could find the house with a big laundry room, then my kids could sort their own laundry and I could keep up on it better.
If I could find the house with a big basement, then I wouldn’t feel so cramped and I wouldn’t feel like my kids were on top of me all the time.
If I could find a house with lots of storage, then every Lego, marker, Polly Pocket, school project, kid keepsake, or craft supply would have a home and there would be less clutter and less piles.
If I could find a house with the 3rd garage, then bikes wouldn’t get stolen and there would be a place to gather the outdoor mess.
If I could find a home in the perfect location, then my kids would spend their days riding bikes and I wouldn’t have to worry about them getting run over by cars.
As you can see I am looking for the impossible.
This house hunting journey is not only about me accepting the less than perfect house, but more about me accepting myself as the less than perfect mother. I need to embrace that motherhood is never going to be perfect or easy. And that even in a big, beautiful home there will still be mess, clutter, yelling, frustration, fighting, nagging and fast food meals.
Here’s hoping I can believe what I just wrote, so I am not homeless when the end of the year comes.